New to Polyamory and Struggling? How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help

Written by Adelaide Pote, MS, LAMFT

Polyamory might seem complicated — and that's because it often is. Opening up a relationship can invite more freedom, connection, and opportunities to explore relationships in ways that feel authentic. At the same time, polyamorous relationships often require much more communication, which can create more opportunities for conflict, misunderstanding, and disconnection. This is where a therapist that understands therapy can offer real support.

Why Jealousy and Insecurity Show Up in Polyamory

I've found in my practice — and in my own experience — that being polyamorous can invite some very gripping emotions: jealousy, insecurity, uncertainty, even resentment. As you start your journey into non-monogamy, you may find yourself feeling something you didn't expect to feel, or wanting something that seems difficult to ask for.

People beginning their journey with polyamory are often unsure what to do with their jealousy, longings, and frustrations while still aligning with their values. There can be a lot of pressure to "do polyamory right." I've worked with clients who felt they shouldn't feel jealous if they genuinely support their partner's other relationships, and with clients worried that expressing their needs will make them look controlling. I think these are valid concerns — and they're some of the most common reasons people seek out a therapist for polyamorous relationships.

But regardless of how your feelings are currently affecting your relationships, I've found there is always a good reason for those feelings to be there. They deserve a safe space to be witnessed and discussed.

Jealousy, for example, is simply an emotion that — if we get curious about it — will tell you wonderful information about what you need to feel more secure. Every piece of emotional activation can tell you something about what's important to you, what you're afraid of, and what you're hoping for.

Holding Space for Difficult Feelings in Open Relationships

So how do we hold space for these feelings without misaligning with our values and without making conflict worse? Rather than trying to abolish these feelings, I think it's a wonderful opportunity to get curious about what you can learn about yourself from them:

• What are you afraid will happen?

• What is your body telling you when it shuts down every time your partner mentions their new crush?

• Are you afraid of being abandoned?

• Do you worry that you're not enough?

• Are you longing for more reassurance, affection, time, or commitment?

This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be particularly helpful.

What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?

Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, focuses on the emotional bonds we create with the people who matter most to us. Rather than simply teaching you how to communicate more effectively, EFT for polyamorous couples and partners helps you understand the cycles that develop between you and your partners, and the vulnerable emotions underneath those patterns. Often, for example, one person reaches for reassurance while the other feels overwhelmed and pulls away.

EFT helps partners slow these patterns down and begin to recognize what's happening underneath the conflict. Instead of getting stuck in "You don't care about me" and "You're trying to control me," partners can begin to communicate the more vulnerable experiences underneath those statements: "I'm scared I'm not important to you anymore," or "I'm scared that no matter what I do, I'm just going to disappoint you."

Expressing this level of vulnerability can be very disarming to our protective parts. Once those protective parts relax, we tend to have entirely different conversations.

How EFT Supports Polyamorous Individuals and Partners

Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you build the bond and emotional safety you need to navigate conflict without shutting down, overstepping boundaries, or letting yourself down — whether you're just beginning to explore polyamory or working through a rough patch in an established relationship structure.

If you're looking for a polyamory-affirming therapist, InnerBloom Therapy Services offers a space where all of your relationships — and all of your feelings — are welcome.

Adelaide Pote is currently accepting new clients in person in North Central Phoenix and Virtually anywhere in AZ. Click here to take the first step!